About six months ago, I got the bright idea to hire a secretary. There were a few aggressive bill collectors that I wasn't on speaking terms with, so I thought it might be nice to have somebody answering my calls for me. I interviewed several qualified candidates, and then did what any guy would do, I hired the bimbo with the nicest ass. A few days later, grabbing that ass earned me a stinging slap in the face. Last month, I found out it also earned me a sexual harassment suit. By definition, harassment has to be continued or repeated behavior, so technically my one-time-ass-squeezing shouldn't count. Something tells me the lady judge won’t see it that way.
I decided to dig up some dirt on my former secretary before the trial began. Her name was Shirley. She grew up in Carson. She drove a Volvo. That's all I knew about her. So I drove out to Carson City. The local high school let me dig around the old yearbooks for a few hours until I found her. Shirley Sinclair. She looked a lot better then than now, I noticed. I asked around but no one had heard of her. I drove down to her parents house to get some embarrassing childhood photos or a good story at least but her parents must've known someone would be coming around asking about their daughter because her father answered the door with a shotgun and yelled, “Shirley don’t live here no more! Get lost or I’ll blow a hole in ya!” I never even said a word.
I decided to ask around town, but every time I mentioned Shirley Sinclair, people clammed up. They looked scared. Now I was really starting to get curious, what sort of person had I gotten involved with here? I decided to check with my most reliable source... Google. After about five minutes, I found a five year old article from the Carson Herald titled 'Baby Thief Acquitted.' There was a picture of her walking out of a court house. This really pissed me off, I mean she's out there going through all this ridiculous trouble to steal a baby or whatever that paper was talking about and here I am trying to give her one for free and I get slapped and sued?! I was seriously considering hiring someone to approach her on the street and slap her in the face.
I stopped off for an early dinner at the Hash Griddle and just happened to bump into a woman who claimed to be Shirley’s ex-best friend. Her name was Gina. She had a pretty smile, but a fat ass. I ordered a couple of beers, and one for Gina too, so that I could start to get a buzz on in case I had to bang her later. Years ago, Gina and Shirley had had a falling out over a man, who went on to marry a third chick who was hotter than either of them. But enough back story, here’s why she bumped into me.
“I heard there was a P.I. in town asking question’s about Shirley,” she said.
“And you've always had a thing for P.I.s haven’t you?” I asked as I finished my third beer.
“Well... yes, actually, but that’s not why I’m here. Shirley and I had our differences, sure, but I know she would never steal a baby.”
“People change. Especially women. A man dumps her, the wrong time of the month, she sees a sad movie.... They just come unhinged. Who knows what they’re capable of?”
“I don’t know who you’re working for Mr. Monroe, but I’ll pay you $10,000 to prove Shirley’s innocence.”
I ordered two more beers. Shirley'd already been acquitted of the crime, how hard could could this be? I went with her back to her place to get the details hammered out, if you know what I mean. She sat me down in the front room and told me she wanted to show me something. She pulled a folder out of a drawer and put it on my lap. Then I got Shirley's side of the story: in high school, Shirley would baby sit for a wealthy couple up the road. The father was a businessman with ties to a local biker gang. He and his wife had two kids; a three year old and an infant. According to Gina, Shirley was asked to do a job for them: they wanted her to have sex with the wife’s autistic cousin Ralph. And not just regular sex either, but kinky shit. Shirley said no and they accused her of stealing their baby. They even planted their baby in her apartment, but they forced the lock open, so the D.A. couldn't prove that Shirley had put the baby there. Shirley was acquitted, but everyone in the town still thought she was guilty. Shirley had to leave town and find work in Vegas, and now, Gina wanted to help her come home.
I left Gina’s early the next morning, before she woke up, with a hangover & a mild sense of regret. Before I left though, I made sure to wash my johnson off in the kitchen sink. I drove to the rich side of town. I figured this business guy is not just going to admit to any of these accusations willingly. I also figured he's the type to not hold up too well under intense scrutiny.
I followed Gina's directions to a very nice house in a quiet neighborhood. I stopped half a block away and watched as a BMW came out of the driveway and sped off towards downtown. I followed him to a tall, brick building. As soon as I saw him walk in, I raced back to his house.
His wife was just leaving to take the kids to school when I pulled up. I broke in through an unlocked window in the laundry room in back. I found my way to the garage first on a hunch, but there was nothing interesting in there. Then I checked the wife’s panty drawer. There was some pretty interesting stuff in there, but nothing relevant to the case. Then I checked the husband’s office. I found a wall safe behind a large family portrait.
Thirty minutes later, I was still banging away on the safe with a crowbar, when I heard the Wife pull into the garage. I hate being interrupted in the middle of an investigation. I pulled a ski-mask on and pulled the zip ties out of my pocket. Once the wife was secured in the master closet, I went back and finished breaking into the safe.
I found $100,000 in cash, a Glock 9mm and some family documents. Something on the baby’s birth certificate caught my eye. The baby was born in Johannesburg. Interesting, what was the family doing in South Africa? I took everything from the safe and left in the wife’s car. I headed five miles east and dumped the car, walked two blocks south to bus stop and bused it back to their house for my car. She must've wriggled free sooner than I thought she would because the place was nearly surrounded by bikers.
I opened my car door and stared down the street for a minute, watching all these bikers huff around all furiously. After considering the money and personal family paperwork I took from this guy, I figured my job was done. I went home and settled out of court with Shirley for $4500. Then I spent forty-five minutes telling her Gina was hotter than her, just to fuck with her a little.
