THE THIEVING WHORE

I rolled over and noticed that the hooker was gone. "Shit!" I got up and checked the wallet on the night stand... empty! I had to laugh, I was planning on ripping her off before I passed out. Still, I had to find her. The ancient coin she stole was going to buy my retirement home in Jamaica. There's no way she could know how valuable it is, could she? 


I got dressed and walked over to the corner store for a pack of Camels and few dozen scratchers, all losers, except for one free ticket, also a loser. I decided to call my pimp-friend Ronnie, he knew every bitch in town, and all the hookers, too. 


"Hello?" Ronnie answered. 


"Ronnie! Ronnie Ron Ron!"


"Oh hell, Gene. Every time you call me I end up in jail or one of my girls goes missing."


"Hey, you every heard of Crystal Diamonddrawers?"


"She's old news, Gene. What are you in love or something?"


"Don't be an idiot. She robbed me this morning. I need to know where I can find her."


"She must be one of Harold's bitches, so go deal with him!" 


I hung up the phone. Harold... why did it have to be Harold?


I took a cab over to Ceaser's Palace and went up to the Presidential Suite. The guard outside Harold's suite patted me down, but he didn't find the Derringer I'd tucked between my ass cheeks. He let me in. Harold lay on the couch, all 400 lbs of him. I tried not to look at the boil on his neck, but it was almost the size of his head. He was excited to see me. He was always excited to see me. "Gene! My closest friend! Sit down and share a cake with me!" 


"No thanks on the cake. I work hard on this figure."


"Ha! You crack me up! Get this cake out of here, Fatty!" He threw the cake at his guard who then left to clean himself off. Leaving me alone with Harold. 


"I'm looking for Crystal Diamonddrawers," I told him. 


"Diamonddrawers... Diamonddrawers... you don't mean Crystal Copperpanties? When did she start calling herself Diamonddrawers?"


"Brown hair, blue eyes, double d's?"


"Yes, I fired her two months ago." Harold gave me her address and I left, wondering why I'd shoved a Derringer up my ass.


Her address was in a part of town I'd never seen, and the streets leading to it just kept getting uglier and uglier. When I finally found it, it was no bigger than a shack. I busted in and caught her packing her shit. "Shit!" she yelled out in surprise. She went for a gun but I froze her in place with my sweaty, stinky Derringer. I took her over my knee and started spanking her. "Bad whore! Bad whore!" I yelled. 


"Good lord, do you have an erection?" She asked. I smiled. Then I knocked her out, found my coin and took a crap in her hair. On my way home, I stopped by Ronnie's for a new hooker.